The quarterly publication of the International Legal Technology Association
Issue link: https://epubs.iltanet.org/i/34686
Find out more about the Emerging Technologies Peer Group online at www.iltanet.org At about Pepsi:Wonderbread (3:45 p.m. in old- speak), Max received an infostream from his administrative representative. The infostream was a jolt to his system, not so much because infostreams are abruptly, instantaneously assimilated, but rather because of the significance of the good news — the charges had been dropped! Max had been accused of a criminal infraction some years ago when, at a yoga bar, he asked an older-looking gentleman with a long white beard, pointed hat and long, flowing robes to pass the salt, which Max wanted to sprinkle on his melon. His exact words were “Hey Gandalf, would you pass the salt?” Unfortunately, the aforementioned older-looking gentleman was a Potterite of the Dumbledorian sect, to whom Max’s query was a grave offense. Given that Dumbledorians have a non-functioning shriveled right hand, and Max was sitting on the right side of the Dumbledorian, it would have been difficult for the gentleman to pass Max anything. And, salt was (and is) a controlled substance such that it is only served in licensed venues, which does not include yoga bars. Max’s question to the Dumbledorian was perceived as a deliberate taunt. Accordingly, Max was charged as a distractive nuisance and the charges were enhanced as a spite-crime under the Lack of Consideration for Others Act. Max hired a remarkably inexpensive, cloud-based sentient for his criminal defense. It wasn’t until he had already paid the $4 billion retainer that he learned that his artificially intelligent defender (AID) was hosted on Neptune. The latency was brutal. Fortunately, the adjudication unit (AU) overseeing the court proceedings was a recent fork of the same operating system as his defender, so the AU was remarkably forgiving. It was of unexpected relevance that over the years of legal proceedings Max had a number of organs replaced. The New Americans — the political party that advocated the interests of the country, formed out of what was previously all of the United States (except Texas) and all of Canada — took an interest in Max, and indeed questioned Mark Manoukian has spent the last 17 years in legal IT at Kegler, Brown, Hill and Ritter, a mid-sized law firm in Columbus, Ohio. He’s been an active member of ILTA over the last several years and is currently the Vice President of ILTA’s Emerging Technologies Peer Group. He can be reached at mmanoukian@keglerbrown.com. his citizenship. Under the circumstance that most of Max’s organ replacements had taken place in Texas, Mexico, and\or the temporary merger of the two — Texico — the New Americans claimed that by body mass, Max was more foreign than New American. While the subsequent formal investigation into Max’s nationality\citizenship was irksome, it had an unexpected benefit. The logic applied to the argument that Max was no longer a New American, as measured by percentage of body mass, also formed the basis for an argument that the Max who had offended the Dumbledorian was no longer the same Max standing accused before the court. Arguably, enough of Max had been replaced that he was no longer the same person. The fact that a higher court considered Max’s nationality a legitimate issue gave Max’s AU the decisive compelling argument, or at least presented an impasse to the lower court. Under the circumstance that Max could no longer be verified as Max, the charges against Max were thrown out. 8:02-8:37 A.M. While driving, discussed Twiki-Theopolis mediation with Dr. Theopolis. Scheduled a meeting with both parties at 2:35 p.m. Warning: 10 minutes of this conversation took place on non- automated roadway, a two-point moving violation. 9:00-9:14:30 A.M. While at desk, reviewed memo on proposal to use surrogates in remote locations to reduce business travel expenses. Warning: This memo was rated at 12 minutes with a standard deviation of one minute. At 2.5 minutes over the rating of 12 minutes, you have been flagged as having wasted time assimilating this memo. 9:20-9:33 A.M. While at desk, discussed via telephone potential new business with McCormick family in Colorado. Family alleges their son’s wrongful death. Mental note: Frustrated; it was 10 minutes before family members mentioned that they are cartoons, not robots. What a waste of time. Referred the McCormicks to Harvey Birdman. by Mark Manoukian Kegler, Brown, Hill & Ritter he following is an excerpt from the daily journal of Maximum Guy, an attorney-at-law who specializes in legal issues of robotic and artificially intelligent entities. He is also the manager of the Fox, Udelay and Doberman (FUD) franchise in San Diego, California. FUD is a partially-owned subsidiary of the Axis Corporation. Mr. Guy wears a device that automatically journals his daily activities. The Integrated Auto-Journal (IAJ), manufactured by Braniac Legal Technologies, is more affectionately known as the BLT, the abbreviation for the name of its maker. The BLT offers numerous options that allow the device to observe, filter and report as one wears it throughout the day. The BLT recognizes activities via sound, video, Van Eck radiation, GPS and passive monitoring of any and all technical systems, including one’s computer, phone, car, home appliances, etc. The BLT’s more advanced features, which come at a price, T provide direct connections to the central nervous system via cranial electrodes, a skull socket or an existing deep brain stimulation interface. Consequently, enormous amounts of raw data are captured, converted into meaningful language and 24 www.iltanet.org Peer to Peer filtered to produce a report of work-related activities. A fully tricked-out BLT is commonly referred to as a BLT Deluxe with Sauce, where “deluxe” signifies all advanced options, and “sauce” signifies the most advanced “stream of consciousness” options, which are abbreviated “soc” and pronounced “sauce.” The rules of Mr. Guy’s recording system are configured to exclude personal thoughts, activities that do not meet minimum time requirements, and/or activities that take place in explicitly tagged non-work locations, unless the user is engaged in a work activity. For the sake of brevity, we’re providing only a portion of Mr. Guy’s very active day. LOG DATE: MARCH 17, 2025 7:01-7:17 A.M. While showering, dwelt on tax implications of re-incorporating Cranberry Corporation in Qatar in response to dissolution of Cayman Islands as a result of swallowing by the sea. 9:45-10:00 A.M. Reviewed censorship issues regarding federal government’s banning IBM’s Big Blue from watching movies featuring themes of AI/computer domination. Government lawyers’ argument, “We don’t want Big Blue to get any ideas!” does’t hold water. BB should be allowed to watch War Games, Terminator, The Matrix, etc. They’re just movies. 10:00-11:00 A.M. Attended competency evaluation of HAL 9000 via Hologram over IP. Mental note: HAL has no body, not even a face. What the heck did the AI psychiatrist expect to see? 11:00-11:30 A.M. 30 minutes approved travel time to zoning commission. 11:30 A.M.-2:00 P.M. Meeting at zoning commission, with commissioners and representatives of Church of Robotology regarding plans for a new church at the corner of Google Avenue and 3rd. Meeting was scheduled for only one hour, but ran over due to robots frequently lapsing from English into binary. The robots and I agree — 10010100 1001000111001010101010010111101010 — but there is still a bit of work left to do. Warning: This is not a fixed fee case and unscheduled resolution appears to be imminent, three months ahead of schedule. Peer to Peer the quarterly magazine of ILTA 25 4:00-5:00 P.M. Meeting with Rick Deckard over mandatory retirement proceedings for replicants. Communicated to Mr. Deckard that he is not obligated to submit to a Voight-Kampff test with which opposing counsel seeks to prove that he is a non-human replicant produced by the Tyrell Corp. ILTA 2:00-2:35 P.M. 30 minutes approved travel time back to office; five minutes unscheduled travel time but approved given unforeseen traffic conditions on recommended route. 2:35-3:45 P.M. Meeting at office with Dr. Theopolis and Twiki. Meeting was counterproductive. Twiki’s response to all questions was “biddi- biddi-biddi”. Twiki submits his inability to articulate more clearly as a “Twiki” defense. Dr. Theopolis submits that since he is basically a Frisbee with a face, and not capable of locomotion, he is at least entitled to demand that Twiki change his batteries when necessary, stop leaving Dr. T face down on the sofa and turn him toward the holovision. Click here to read the orginal “Maximum Guy” article in the June 2010 issue of . As Max reveled in his exuberance, he overheard an AI joke that “The meat escaped the frying pan.” It was a feeble joke. AIs envied humans’ range of emotion, particularly humor. Indeed, after decades of concerted effort at developing a sense of humor, referring to humans as “meat” was literally the only joke that AI, as an entire race, had ever produced. A second AI laughed, producing a sound not unlike a fistful of screws grinding in a garbage disposal. The episode was comical, and all the more entertaining to Max, who was now free from the grasps of the law. Note: While the issue of citizenship still hung over Max’s head, he was confident that it would be resolved in his favor. Ultimately, it became a moot issue when a couple of years later, Texas would rejoin New America, thereby tipping the majority of his body mass back to New American. ILTA Peer to Peer the quarterly magazine of ILTA 47 Warning: Thirty-three minutes spent in the App Store exceeds acceptable allowance. Recognized: Zero minutes consumed for meals. Peer to Peer