Peer to Peer Magazine

n his book, “On Becoming a Leader,” Warren Bennis points out that leadership remains the most studied, yet least understood, topic in all the social sciences. In spite of a multitude of recent studies on leadership, it is still, like beauty or love, something we know when we see, but that we cannot easily define or produce on demand. I in order to lead others, we must first know ourselves In order to truly know ourselves, we must be willing to look in the mirror and accept who we are — our strengths and weaknesses, our successes and failures, our goals and shortcomings. We have to be self-aware. Self-awareness is defined as “conscious knowledge of one’s own character, feelings, motives, and desires.” We cannot pretend to be someone we are not. Self- awareness requires honesty and courage. It is not easy to get in touch with what we are thinking or feeling and to face the truth about who we are. Here are a few questions that can help you explore who you are. • What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? Would your spouse, friends and family agree? • What motivates you? Why? • Think about three situations where you are most at ease. What specific elements are present when you feel that way? • What do you fear most in your life? Why? • When you disagree with someone ’s perspective, what do you do? • How do your friends describe you? Do you agree or disagree? Why? • What are your dreams for the future? What are you doing to achieve them? There are multiple assessments to help you learn more about yourself, your strengths and your preferred communication style. Learning more about yourself can free you to develop and nurture the natural talents you have, rather than forcing you to exert a lot of energy trying to be something you are not. Focus on your strengths rather than your weaknesses. in order to lead others, we must first face our dark side One of the most difficult things for many leaders to admit and ultimately face is their dark side. The dark side develops slowly over our lifetimes and is often revealed in times of frustration or anger. It consists of our inner urges, compulsions, motivations and dysfunctions, and can be an agent for both good and bad in our lives. The raw materials of the dark side are pride, selfishness, self-deception and improper motives. Though we might not be aware of our dark side, it is often manifested in a drive to succeed, a strong desire to be liked or accepted, irrational fear, a need to control and perfectionism. People who ignore or refuse to acknowledge their dark side frequently have major failures in their leadership and then blame their failures on others or their circumstances, rather than taking personal responsibility. The dark side, left unchecked, will result in compulsive leaders, narcissistic leaders, paranoid leaders, codependent leaders or passive-aggressive leaders. In reality, we are the sum of the experiences in our lives. The most successful and effective leaders recognize this and are able to separate fact from fiction in their childhood memories, while also understanding the role these memories have played in their personal development. The purpose of this reflection is not to assign blame, but rather to gain self-understanding. If you want to understand yourself and your tendencies, you must reflect on areas of pain, sorrow and even rage. As you recall those events in your life, think about the feelings they generate. It is very often these feelings that are driving your behavior as a leader today. These feelings have likely created some unmet needs in your life, which you could be attempting to meet as an adult through your leadership. In some cases, freeing ourselves involves forgiveness and grace for ourselves and for others. Through self-awareness and by maintaining realistic expectations, we can keep our dark side in check. According to the authors of “Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: The Paradox of Personal Dysfunction,” the dark side develops slowly over our lifetimes and is often revealed in times of frustration or anger. in order to lead others, we must first lead ourselves Many of today’s leaders lead from a personal deficit in self- leadership. They might lead others with vision and innovation, while in their personal lives, they suffer from a poor family life, poor health or financial collapse. Self-leadership requires a commitment to daily disciplines and learning, setting personal 48 www.iltanet.org Peer to Peer

• Cover